“Who the F— Asked You?” and Other Ways to Shut Down Negative Talk This Thanksgiving
We’re a DAY away from Thanksgiving, which means it’s time to gear up and get ready for the onslaught of comments on food, bodies, and health. This time of year especially seems to bring out the parts of people that makes them think it’s their right to say whatever they want about your body.
Newsflash: IT’S NOT.
So let’s talk about how we can address these uncalled-for comments depending on who they’re from, how they’re intended, and the way you want to handle the situation!
Protecting Your Peace
Welcome to the era of protecting your peace! We’re done letting hurtful comments and disrespectful people do and say whatever they want to us.
Protecting your peace means putting your mental and physical health and well-being first. Setting boundaries, having tough conversations, and saying no are all challenging things to do, but they’re essential to keeping yourself happy, healthy, and safe.
For a lot of people, Thanksgiving is the exact place they need to protect their peace. Here’s how we can do that.
Before engaging in stressful events where you know sensitive topics will be brought up, prepare yourself. Know your boundaries and be ready to set them with the people around you. In addition, practice the way you plan on responding to the unfriendly comments you expect to receive. When put on the spot, it’s easy to get flustered and brush things off, but if we don’t address the things people say, they won’t learn to keep their comments to themselves.
When entering a particularly hostile environment, stay strong in your beliefs and remember your self-worth. Just because other people are nasty or believe certain things, it doesn’t make them true.
Here’s a helpful phrase to repeat to yourself: “I refuse to let the hate and negativity of others influence the way I feel about myself.”
“Respecting Differences” is for Pizza Toppings
I’m looking at you, people who don’t like pineapple on their pizza. Stop being so judgmental!
While doing a little research for this post, I came across a blurb offering advice that I frankly don’t like: respect differences and keep quiet, even if you hear something you don’t like or disagree with.
I’m not recommending you get into a political screaming match with your Uncle David. However, a clap back at a comment about someone’s body or food choices is entirely appropriate, and here’s why:
Disrespectful opinions are not to be respected.
It’s that easy! Criticism, judgment, and negative commentary on the bodies and food choices of others are not necessary and not respectful. It’s not your job to sit there and pretend like perfectly acceptable words have been spoken.
There are an endless amount of scenarios that could come up, and an even more infinite amount of ways you could respond. Whether you want to attempt a peaceful and educational moment or want to go full fury is up to you.
Let’s talk about what some of those responses might look like!
Polite Responses to Body Shaming
Some rude and misguided comments don’t have bad intentions behind them. This fact doesn’t make them any less hurtful, but it might change the way we address them.
Comments on food or health choices
aka, the kind of comments we’re more likely to hear on Thanksgiving.
Examples:
“Oh, that’s so unhealthy,” or “that’s a lot of food on your plate!”
How we can respond:
“Why do you think that?” and open the conversation to a discussion on what health means, how food has no morals, or a similar topic.
“I don’t think it was your intention, but I was hurt by your comment” This is a more direct way to make someone understand that the words they say affect others. Notice the use of “I” rather than “you” in order to reduce hostility and defensiveness.
Comments on your personal health/body (or someone else’s)
Examples:
“Have you gained weight?” or “do you think you should lose a little weight?”
How we can respond politely but firmly:
“I appreciate your concern, but I have a better understanding of my health than you.” Again, these comments often come with good intentions, but they’re still unnecessary and unacceptable.
“I would prefer it if you didn’t comment on my body or eating habits.” This establishes boundaries and shuts the door to this conversation, meaning you don’t have to try to argue or defend yourself further.
“There is more to me than my weight.” This is another way to end the conversation without trying to argue and offers a good reminder for the person to whom you’re speaking.
Less Polite, But Still Entirely Valid Responses
Peace, love, and sunshine aren’t in everyone’s nature, and that’s okay! If a comment was ill-intended or you’re just tired of hearing the same people say the same nasty things, here are some spicy (but not too spicy) rebukes:
“Unless you’re my doctor, you don’t get an opinion.”
“Who asked you?” Plain, simple, and tasteful.
“Worry about yourself.” Be careful with this one, as it’s NOT intended to bring the health/weight/eating habits of the other person into question
“I’m not interested in your commentary on my dinner.”
“I’ll eat whatever I want to and it’s none of your business.”
And of course, one of my personal favorites, “Who the f— asked you?”
I know these sound harsh, and I’m not trying to encourage you to start a fight with anyone over the holidays. These comments might be better suited for random strangers who think it’s their right to let you know what they think about you. However, maybe you do know a few people who have crossed the line, and it’s time to let them know their behavior is unacceptable.
Once Upon a Pumpkin has an article on responding to comments during the holidays, and one of my favorite parts is on the motivation behind people’s comments:
“If a person is truly concerned about your health, I believe they would approach you in private and not publicly make a comment. That’s one way to tell the difference between someone who is truly concerned about you versus someone who might be projecting their own insecurities about the way THEY look onto you.”
Keep this in mind when deciding how to respond and don’t go picking fights with loved ones who are just misguided.
When You Can’t Say Anything
In a perfect world, nothing could stop you from speaking your mind and putting others in their place. However, we know this isn’t realistic. There might be times when you have to grin and bear it, and that sucks.
In these situations, it’s especially important for you to remember your own feelings, and place value on your experiences rather than what others say. As I mentioned above, keep a helpful phrase or affirmation in mind and repeat it to yourself when your’re unable to say something out loud.
Think about how you would comfort someone who dealt with judgemental words, and comfort yourself this same way.
What to do if You’re the One Making Negative Comments
If reading this article made you realize that you’re the one making rude or judgemental comments, don’t panic. The diet industry has had a pretty prevalent place in society for longer than we realize. We’ve all been fed the same nonsense repackaged and rephrased over and over again.
As with many of the other people saying these things, it probably doesn’t come from a place of hatred or disgust. You might simply think you’re voicing your concern, or speaking of facts. A lot of what you say might sound playful, or harmless. Think “calories don’t count on a holiday,” or “we’ll exercise this off tomorrow!” Maybe these don’t seem like harmful phrases, but they’re still perpetuating the idea that you have to earn calories, or make excuses for eating certain ways, which all leads back to negative stigma around food, weight, and health.
My advice to you: educate yourself. Research the importance of a balanced, inclusive diet and the harm of food restriction. Read and learn about fat people’s experiences living in their bodies. Check your bias, do better, and become an advocate for change. Become the one who helps others understand why their comments and beliefs are hurtful and problematic.
Addressing Negative Self -Talk
Sometimes, the one hurting you the most is you.
I can’t believe I ate all that, they were right about what they said, I can’t believe I let another year pass and I look the same.
It’s really easy to get down on ourselves. It’s also important for us to confront our own negative talk and rephrase things.
Psychology Today recommends this 5-Step Method for addressing negative self-talk:
1. Recognize your negative thoughts
“Many of your thoughts are automatic…it’s important to take a second to evaluate your thoughts so you can recognize thoughts that are unrealistic, unproductive, or irrational”
“I ate so much, I’m disgusting and I’m going to gain a bunch of weight”
2. Look for evidence that your thought is true
“Just because you think something doesn’t make it true.” Look for evidence that your thought is true.
Maybe you feel very full after your meal, so it’s not untrue that you ate a lot of food.
3. Look for evidence that your thought isn’t true
“If you struggle to find contrary evidence…ask yourself, ‘what would I say to a friend who had this problem?’”
Contrary evidence from our above example would be that overeating during one meal won’t cause extreme weight gain. Further, if a friend said this, we would probably assure them that they aren’t digusting for enjoying themselves, and they won’t gain a bunch of weight from a single meal, but even if they did their worth isn’t tied to their weight.
4. Reframe your thought into something more realistic
“Once you’ve looked at the evidence on both sides of the equation, develop a more realistic statement.” The key word in this is realistic. You don’t want to flip to an over-positive expression, but simply state what’s factual.
“I ate a lot of food, but I enjoyed it and I know the discomfort of being overly full will pass.”
5. Ask yourself how bad it would be if your thought was true
“Sometimes, the best way to deal with negative self-talk is to face it head-on.” Think about your original negative statement and what it would be like if it were true.
Say you did somehow gain a bunch of weight from your one meal. You might have to get new clothes, but nothing else really needs to change. You should still be eating nourishing foods and moving your body. Again, your worth won’t change just because the number on the scale did.
Practice these steps in your everyday life, not just around the holidays.
The Most Important Thing to Remember
It doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or what’s on your plate, if you go back for seconds. You do not deserve to be disrespected for these choices. You don’t deserve to be talked down to, shamed, or made to feel bad.
Ultimately, this isn’t an argument about health, weight, or food choices. This is about basic respect. No one has the right to treat you poorly, especially not for things that don’t affect them.
It’s easy to let these attitudes shape the way we feel about ourselves and the way we let ourselves be treated, but that needs to stop. Your worth has nothing to do with your weight.
If these words resonate with you, don’t hesitate to share. Maybe showing relatives this post is the way you address their comments.
If you’d like to discuss the topic deeper, have questions, or want to set up a consultation, contact me!
I hope you’re able to enjoy the holidays with family and friends who value and love you unconditionally.